Читать онлайн «South By Southeast»

Anthony Horowitz

South by South East

Dear Reader,

This is the third book in the Diamond Brothers series, and if you enjoyed the other two, maybe you need help. My name is Tim Diamond and I’m in the books. I also get 1. 5 per cent of every copy sold… otherwise I wouldn’t touch them with a barge pole. And if I did touch them with a barge pole, it would only be to push them into a canal.

Let me tell you why.

First of all, the books make me look like an idiot. People seem to forget that I was the one who solved the mystery of the missing chocolate Maltesers and the dead gangster in “The Falcon’s Malteser” and that I also uncovered the identity of the master criminal known as The Fence in “Public Enemy Number Two”. OK, maybe I did get a bit of help from my thirteen-year-old brother, Nick, but it’s my name on the door. And I should know. I paid for the paint.

You might like to know that I had a very successful year as a police officer before I became a private detective. I caught three cat burglars and even managed to return the cats. I arrested a female impersonator (although admittedly it was on our third date). Not bad for one of the “boys in blue”, you might think… and in my case I even had the matching underwear. I’ve never mentioned this before, but I was actually recommended for a medal for bravery. I went all the way to Buckingham Palace to collect it but at the last minute I was too scared to go in.

But anyway, you’ll notice when you read the books that Nick takes all the credit. He’s my kid brother and he’s got to be kidding!

I mean, take the time we were chased by an aeroplane with machine guns through a cornfield in Holland… you’ll get to that bit in Chapter Ten, and at the time I didn’t think there was going to be a Chapter Eleven. We were being shot at by a serial killer, and it looked like the two of us were going to be shredded wheat.

Nick claims that he was the one who worked out our brilliant escape, but that’s not how I remember it. I think I was the man with the plan. But while he’s the one telling the story, who’s going to listen to me?

I even telephoned my new editor at Walker Books to complain. Her name is Kris Croat and she was recently asked to work on the Diamond Brothers books — which is strange, because she’s a woman of few words and most of them don’t make any sense. She learned English as a second language and unfortunately she still prefers Hungarian. When she gets over-excited, we have to hire a translator. Most of her books have never sold a copy outside of Budapest.

“I want to write the next book,” I told her.

“Hello?” she replied. I could imagine her reaching for an English dictionary. She’s a big woman with muscular arms that are covered in tattoos. Where’s Wally? Maisy the mouse. Some of Walker’s biggest successes began life on her biceps.

“This is Tim Diamond!” I said.

“Hello, Tim!” She has a strange sing-song voice. What’s also really strange is that it’s hopelessly out of tune. “To hear from you, it is a pressure. ”

“I think you mean… a pleasure. ”