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Beautiful BoyA Father's Journey Through His Son's Addiction

David Sheff

HOUGHTON MIFFLIN COMPANY

Boston · New York

2008

For information about permission to reproduce

selections from this book, write to Permissions,

Houghton Mifflin Company, 215 Park Avenue South,

New York, New York 10003.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Sheff, David.

Beautiful boy : a father's journey through

his son's addiction / David Sheff.

p. cm.

ISBN-13: 978-0-618-68335-2

ISBN-10: 0-618-68335-6

1. Drug abuse—Treatment—California.

2. Methamphetamine abuse—Treatment

—California. 3. Children of divorced

parents—California. I. Title.

HV5831. C2S54 2006

362. 29'9—dc22 [B]

2006026981

Book design by Melissa Lotfy

Printed in the United States of America

MP 10 987654 321

This book is for the women and men who have dedicated their lives to understanding and combating addiction at rehabs, hospitals, research centers, sober-living and halfway houses, and organizations devoted to education about drug abuse, as well as the anonymous—the brave ones who keep coming back—at countless twelve-step meetings every day and night throughout the world—to them and their families: the people who understand my family's story because they have lived and are living it, the families of the addicted—their children, brothers and sisters, friends, partners, husbands and wives, and parents like me. "It's just that you can't help them and it's all so discouraging," wrote F. Scott Fitzgerald. But the truth is, you do help them, and you help one another.

You helped me. Along with them, this book is dedicated to my wife, Karen Barbour, and my children, Nic, Jasper, and Daisy Sheff.

Contents

introduction 1

PART 1 stay up late 17

PART II his drug of choice 105

PART III whatever 123

PART IV if only 171

PART V never any knowing 235

epilogue 307

Acknowledgments 319

Resources 321

Credits 325

When you cross the street,

Take my hand.

—JOHN LENNON, "Beautiful Boy (Darling Boy)"

IntroductionIt hurts so bad that I cannot save him, protect him,

keep him out of harm's way, shield him from pain.

What good are fathers if not for these things?—THOMAS LYNCH, "The Way We Are"

"Howdy Pop, God, I miss you guys so much. I can't wait to see you all. Only one more day!!! Woo-hoo. "

Nic is emailing from college on the evening before he arrives home for summer vacation. Jasper and Daisy, our eight- and five-year-olds, are sitting at the kitchen table cutting, pasting, and coloring notes and welcome-home banners for his homecoming. They have not seen their big brother in six months.

In the morning, when it's time to leave for the airport, I go outside to round them up. Daisy, wet and muddy, is perched on a branch high up in a maple tree. Jasper stands below her. "You give me that back or else!" he warns.

"No," she responds. "It's mine?" There is bold defiance in her eyes, but then, when he starts to climb up the tree, she throws down the Gandalf doll he's after.

"It's time to go get Nic," I say, and they dash past me into the house, chanting, "Nicky Nicky Nicky. "