Читать онлайн «Taboo Acts X: Farm Lust»

Cross-country bikers who travel cuntless usually discover that to leave one nagging problem behind simply leaves a throbbing one in front. Fortunately, America's farmlands provide an abundance of domestic livestock that can be exploited to reduce the swelling. The biker who uses such means may know that he is practicing a tradition sufficiently ancient to have been denounced by Moses. Unfortunately, sex manuals neglect this dimension of sexual practice. They tell how it's done in a dozen countries, of acrobatic positions, of how to use cunt juice as a sauce for roast squab, but tell nothing of shagging animals. The following treatise may well be the first of its kind. Hopefully, this pioneer work will stimulate public discussion of animal-fucking. Perhaps someone will initiate a monthly journal devoted thereto, complete with centerfolds, advertisements for helpful apparatus, and a question-answer column (which the author hereof, being the only one qualified, volunteers to write). Further, the author hereof swears on a greasy chop manual that the lore presented herein has been gathered from years of attendance to the discourse of plowboys, mule-skinners, swineherds, chicken thieves, and others of like ilk, well qualified to instruct.

Given the brevity of this guide, only the rudimentary procedures appropriate to common domestic livestock can be outlined.

To consider cows first. Cows are basically nervous. They're like the prick-teasers of the 50's who would bat their eyelashes, lean over to show their boobs, flounce their skirts to show a beaver, and then shriek like hell if some bothered dude tweaked a tit. Cows can be attracted by a handful of cottonseed meal, a piece of bread (preferably whole wheat), even a bunch of grass. They will hang around, switching their tails to show off their cunts, then get jumpy and run off as soon as the cow-fucker gets serious. To fuck a cow requires that it be immobilized, a fact long recognized in rural architecture. As long as milk-maids did the milking, it was done in the open, the cow being kept in place by a bucket of eating goodies. With the development of large dairies, men took over and the barns built to shelter milking were cleverly contrived to assist cow-screwing.

The cow was headed into a stall, its head locked in a stanchion, and hobbles added according to the disposition of the cow and the agility of the cow-bopper. Posts ran up to support the roof at the cow-ass end of the stall, these posts being connected by horizontal 2x4s. The 2x4 presumably provided a place from which to hang milk buckets, stools, hobbles, and so on, but was, of course, carefully placed for cow-shagging, its height indicating the favorite technique. If about a foot above a man's reach, the cow-fucker leapt up, hung from the 2x4, and swung in to hook his heels in the cow's flanks, from which position he could achieve suitable intromission, regulating the stroke with his legs.